Please tell me there's a light at the end of this long dark tunnel

Potty training Tristan has been a nightmare. Nightmare with a capital "might as well put a bullet in my brain".

Ava was easy. One day she decided she was ready and that was it. She stopped wearing diapers, had one accident and then was potty trained. It was so easy it was ridiculous. Except that she would not, I mean WOULD NOT sit on the toilet in public bathrooms. I would have had more luck selling beef-on-a-stick to a vegetarian. And if the toilet seat was BLACK? And then IF I FLUSHED? For months, six of them, I carried around a portable potty seat wrapped in a plastic bag should the need for public bathroom peeing arise. Lord that was irritating.

Even more irritating? The fact that Tristan has been potty training for over a year and yet I cannot say with confidence, yes he is successfully potty trained. He started off well. One day he came upstairs and said, "Mom! Take off my diaper I have to pee!" And then he hopped up on the toilet and peed. And that was that. He didn't have an accident for 2 days, even during a 5 hour drive to Banff to meet my parents so we could go to Mexico kid-free, and we thought "wow, who knew potty training could be so easy?" And we practically wrenched our arms out of their sockets patting ourselves on the back. When we picked them up a week later, Tristan had been put back in diapers due to all the accidents. Hindsight is always 20/20 and in hindsight what I probably should have done was just leave the diapers on until Tristan decided he was ready again. Instead, the minute we got home we took the diapers off and said you're potty trained now so pee in the toilet and you'll get a jelly bean. Which worked beautifully until he got bored of the jelly beans. I'm not sure which is worse, changing diapers or doing laundry every other day because Tristan has peed through all 15 pairs of his underwear. Again.

Since then I have literally tried everything. I've tried stickers, candles, and balloons and pretty much every bribe I could think of, which would all work until he got bored of them. I tried bathing him everytime he had an accident to make peeing his pants more inconvenient than just stopping play to pee in the toilet quick. But after 6 baths in one day with no results, I quit. I took away his pants and underwear and he went au naturel with great success, not a single accident! But, A) that's sort of awkward at playgroup, and B) he played with himself all the time and, I know it's all normal and part of development and everything but quite frankly, it just weirded me out. So, at my wits end, I even tried making it a discipline issue.

He can tell his therapist all about it in 20 or 30 years.

Finally, after being at it for over six months I tried diapers again. After wearing one for an hour he took it off to pee in the toilet. Success! Or so I thought. The next day we were back to the pant-peeing and I felt like going back to diapers would be giving up and I. Was. Not. Giving. Up. Especially after HE. HAD. BEEN. POTTY. TRAINED. Dammit.

In September they started preschool and here's something interesting, Tristan never pees his pants at preschool. So WHY GOD WHY can I not get him to take himself pee on his own at home? After every accident (or "on purpose" I can't decide) we always have the same talk.
"Tristan you have to be the boss of your body. You have to go to the bathroom BEFORE you pee in your pants, okay?"
"Okay Mommy."
"I want you to show Mommy what a big boy you are and pee in the toilet NOT your pants. Do you understand."
"I understand Mommy. I will pee in the toilet NOT my pants."

Today we were at the park for our Twins Club playdate when Tristan was inflicted with sudden hearing loss. At least I assume that's why he kept taking off his shoes when I had just asked him to keep them on and throwing his hat on the ground when I had just asked him to leave it on. I was faced with a decision. Engage in a battle of the wills and likely end up going home or leave it alone and get some real honest-to-goodness, I-really-am-a-human-being-not-just-a-mom conversation. I opted for the adults but on the way home I said to Tristan, "You were not a very good listener today. You need to obey Mommy the first time I ask you to do something. Yes, Mom?"
"Yes, Mom."
If this happens next time we will just leave, no warnings. You have to obey Mom, understand?"
"I understand."
"Okay. So what will you do next time?"
"I will pee in the toilet, NOT my pants."