The best laid plans

Hello? Hello? Anybody still out there?

Why does blogging make me feel like an alcoholic back on the bandwagon? Here I am. Again. Saying sorry. Again. For the lack of blogging and recommitting myself. Again. To be more consistent in my posting. Again.

I don't blame you if you read this and don't believe me, I'm not even sure if I believe myself. But as usually seems to happen I go for weeks (ahem. months.) with nothing, no material and no energy to make my boring glory into material and now here I am with about 3 blogs in my head and not sure where to start.

I was going to start with something inspired by a facebook conversation I am currently having with an old friend but then something kind of came up and hijacked the fun and games so I guess I'll start with that.

Hugh got laid off last Friday.

It started off as an ordinary Friday. Hugh left for work at 7:30, I left for a Mothers Day Tea at Preschool at 8:15 and then Sebastian had to have his 18 month shots at 9:40. When I think back on that morning I am amazed at how ordinary it was, amazed that there was no intuition or premonition of what was coming. But I suppose there never is. It's only after that you look back and think you should have been able to see it coming. It's only after that those moments become meaningful for the very fact of their ordinariness and being the last time you felt such things were ordinary.

The Tea was done at 9:00 and Tristan had a fever and we were out of childrens Tylenol so I stopped at Pharmasave. Driving toward the Public Health Unit I looked at the clock. I was early. Not as early as I had hoped because of our pit stop, but still early. I wondered if I'd have time to hit the Starbucks drive-through before our appointment but I turned left intstead of right deciding to save Starbucks for after. We pulled into the parking lot and the kids asked to listen to the rest of Part of Your World from The Little Mermaid which was playing in our cd player. And that's where Hugh found me.

It didn't register at first that he was wearing street clothes and that I had seen him off this morning in his ratty grease-stained work clothes. I was just pleasantly surprised to see him and opened the van door saying, "Hey! What are you doing here?" Which is when he leaned in and said, "I got laid off." And I sat there waiting for the punch line, truly not suspecting he was serious.

He stayed with the big kids while I took Sebastian in for his shots. I was definitely in shock. That stage of shock where you feel somehow removed from your body. I heard myself calmly talking about Sebastian's head circumference and weight and development. I saw myself undress him and hold his arms steady for the needles. I felt his weight as I held him to me "shhh, shhh, shhh'ing" him after it was over but it was like I was floating beside myself separated from my body by wisps of cloud and swirling mist that I couldn't brush away.

We went to Costco to pick up a few things and while the kids were waiting for some samples I texted Michelle the news. She texted back the F-word and I laughed out loud. Sometimes, there are just no other words. We went home, had lunch, put the kids down for a nap and then I cried. I cried for the sod that won't be coming for our backyard after all. I cried for the vacation in August we have to cancel that the kids are so excited about. I cried for no Starbucks. I cried for no Winners. I cried for Hugh's guitar being put on hold. I cried for a changing time.

But here's the thing. As sad as I am about all these things, as uncertain as I am about our future (do we stay? will we have to move? can we survive on EI making less than half what we made? will I have to get a job?) I actually feel a supernatural peace about it all. And I have learned how much I have grown and how much I truly trust God.

I've written very little about faith on this blog, choosing instead for it to be mostly light and silly but I have a deep faith and relationship with God. And I believe the Bible when it says that all things work for the good and that God has come to give us life to the full and that He has plans to prosper us and not to harm us and though we go through deep waters and great trouble we will not drown, and when we walk through the fires we will not be consumed because He is with us.

And so we have determined that we will be positive and enjoy this time together. If our kids remember this time they will not remember parents who sat all day in pj's on the couch depressed and anxious and yelling at each other and at them. No. They will remember hours spent together walking and going to the park and playing games and laughing because truly, no matter if we stay or go, or I get a job, or however all those questions get answered, we have a very unique opportunity to spend time together as a family and we will not waste it.

It's easy to be cynical in this world. It's easy to live cautious of your happiness while waiting for the proverbial axe to fall. And it's easy to say, "Why God? Why do you hate me?" when it has fallen. And while it's true that the times where everything is going right all at the same time don't last forever, the same is also true of the opposite. The hard times don't last forever either. This is all part of the cycle of life and I don't believe that God loves me even though this happened. I believe He loves me. Period. And life happened. And I am strangely, divinely at peace and strangely, divinely excited about what's to come. At the very least I should have more time and energy (not to mention material) for blogging now that Hugh will be home everyday! No more excuses! No more falling off the bandwagon. I hope.